Giving Thanks in a Dilemma

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Jeremiah 33:3

I went to a meeting last night and to say that I was riding an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. When I say emotional I don't mean crying emotion, I just went form a very clear yes this is what I am to do before the meeting started to fear that I just wasn't able, willing, or ready to commit. And I spent the rest of the night talking to God about this dilemma.

I went to this meeting to get information. This church that my daughter and I have been attending was making some changes to the youth program and I wanted to know what kind of changes they were and how it was going to affect my girl. I wasn't going into this meeting with a plan to commit myself to it just get the info that I was looking for. You see my darling girl will not attend the youth on Sunday am she prefers to sit with me. She loves worship and I am safe. She doesn't have to put herself out there and try to meet new people. Such an awkward age being 11 almost 12. Yet if I acknowledge truthfully, I think that I have heard in my head "this is where you need to be" on a few occasions. But I really wanted to get the information that I could take back to my sweet daughter and be able to encourage her to give it a try.

So back to the meeting, the church served us dinner and the conversation was real good. We played this game where you took an item off the table and had to creatively describe how that item could change a teenager's life or how you could use it to make a point. It was fun and I had an idea for every item on the table. I'm not usually the creative thinker in settings like that but it was turned on last night. Then the youth director opened in prayer, I don't remember anything he said but I heard plain as day, "this is what you are to do." The meeting opened and the discussion began about what the vision was going to be like. I was so impressed with the idea of connecting the kids to a person not a program and the impact that leaders would have on these kids long term through mentoring that I knew I wanted to be a part of it. Then something happened in the last 5 minutes of the meeting, I opened my mouth to ask the question, "would I be teamed up with my daughter because I could see the positive and a great many negatives to that scenario?" The answer came back as "NO I couldn't parent one child and mentor the rest." This is the answer that I wanted to hear that I would be teamed up with other girls and not my daughter. But with that answer came so many questions. How do I invest in other girls lives through regular outings and such and what would my girl do? Do I have the time to invest in this program? And the selfish questions, if this move from my previous church to another church was for me how could this be what I was to do? This idea was not for or about me. In the past I didn't want to be with kids except during VBS, I tried to teach Sunday school a couple of times but my heart yearned for adults. And the biggest question was I ready to commit to this church and ready to call this new place home? Because I would have to do this in order to be the mentor that I would have to be for this group of girls.

So my evening went from total excitement to total fear and non-committal. I talked to the Lord all evening, I wrote in my journal before bed where I laid it all out on paper all my fears but able to thank God for this dilemma because it made me go to Him for answers. After I wrote all my issues out at the bottom of the page was the above scripture in Jeremiah 33, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know." I had done that. I called out to Him through journaling and now I have to keep my eyes open and my ears ready to listen for His voice to say "Yes you are to go this way" or "No not now but one day". So I wait with a heart full of emotions this morning that brings tears to my eyes.

And then this morning my eyes hit this scripture from Psalm 145:8 "Let the morning bring news of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul." See the Lord is already talking to me. He will lead me in the direction He has for me, I just have to allow Him to do that.